A moment in time

This week in writing we have been learning to describe a moment in time to do that you had to start your sentence with a hook ,use detail in our sentences,use present tense,use descriptive langue and only write about the picture. can you give me some feed back?

‘’Crash’’ the rider landed roughly on the ground. He held on to his handles tightly as screws holding a pantry together.  His bike dashed over the dirt. His bike bolted over the crest of the hill. He smells the rusty dirt as The dust whooshed passed his face. He was starting to panic as he zoomed pass a motorbike.  The boy heard the trees whistling.They can hear people cheering on for them. He is wondering if he is going to win the race. He could see people in front of him oh no he said! he might be thinking  I have to catch up and he did. He was starting to get exhausted he was getting out of breath that his heart was pounding so hard that he nearly fell off his bike.

A moment in time

There was nothing in the  silent dark,clear, blue ocean although it was empty except for one lonely diver and a gigantic shark.

The miniature man was facing  upwards as he watched the tremendous shark swim above him. A little tiny diver might smell strong sea salt water.  The diver slowly gilded under the scaly long lasting shark. The sea looks really calm, the sand looks like the surface of the moon. The diver might be a scientist because he is interested in looking at the large stripes on the  shark.The shark might scene that there is something under him.The diver will taste a little bit of the water from under his swim suit. The tiger shark might be thinking what is that teeny thing under me doing?,and the diver might be thinking will the stripy shark attack me? The diver might feel the soft sand beside him. And the shark might feel the water splashing on him. I wonder what will happen next?. Can you give me some feedback